Disclaimer: The article below may trigger some readers, as we will highlight abusive statements and scenarios for people who are in abusive relationships. We only aim to help people cope and defend themselves in abusive relationships.
Divorcing a narcissist may seem like a near-impossible task, especially if the narcissist is cunning and manipulative. For a person who wants to escape a difficultr divorce, this might pose a challenge for them.
Narcissists tend to have a strong need for control and manipulation when they feel their control is threatened. Dealing with a narcissist can involve a variety of complex behaviours and telltale signs. This may include:
- A conceited sense of self-importance or high levels of ego and confidence (grandiose narcissism)
- Obsession with fantasies of boundless success, power, beauty, or ideal love. These are typically referred to as sources of narcissistic supply.
- A conviction that they are special and unique. They may feel that they can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions.
- Excessive admiration for themselves
- A feeling of entitlement
- Tendency to manipulate or to guilt-trip
- Absence of empathy
- Invalidating the feelings of other people or their partner
- Others’ envy or the belief that others are envious of them
- A display of arrogant and haughty attitudes or behaviours
Do all of these sound familiar? Then let’s help you deal with a narcissistic divorce
What Are Narcissists Capable of During Divorce Proceedings?
A person with narcissistic personality disorder may drag out divorce proceedings, engage in stonewalling or other forms of non-cooperation. During this time, they may plan out how they can fabricate stories or learn how to act like the victiom in certain situations where they weren’t.
The opposing party can only expect their narcissist ex to paint themsleves as a good person to cover up for their shortcomings or crimes. This can create ongoing conflict and stress, which can be particularly challenging for the other party and their children.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissist. Divorce is no new setting for them to use it apart from friendships and familial relationships. This tactic is a form of emotional manipulation in which the abuser makes the victim doubt their own perceptions and memory. This ultimately results in the victim questioning their sanity or their ability to perceive reality accurately.
What Do Narcissists Commonly Say?
A narcissistic spouse want to gain and maintain control over their partner. This allows them to distort the truth and make their partner feel unsure of themselves. They may deny that certain events occurred or insist that their partner misunderstood what was said or done. Here are some common lines or phrases that narcissists may use:
- “You’re just being too sensitive.”
- “I know what’s best for you.”
- “You’re lucky to have me.”
- “I did all of this for you.”
- “You’re the only one who understands me. Please stay with me because I can’t find someone like you.”
- “I’m the victim here, not you. Even my friends agree with me”
- “You’re overreacting. I never said that. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal”
- “You’re the problem, not me.”
- “Me? Get checked with borderline personality disorder? Maybe you should get checked with that instead.”
Preparations for Divorcing a Narcissist
1. Who Are the People in Your Support Network?
Is it your best friend from high school? Your sibling? A support network can be an essential part of divorce, whether they are divorcing a narcissist or not. Dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. Hence, family, friends, and professionals can make the process more manageable.
Having people such as close friends and relatives to talk to and share your feelings with can help people cope with the emotional stress of an abusive relationship. This is especially the case for partners who suffered emotional abuse. It’s also important to maintain a strong support system for the well-being of children during the divorce process.
If you want professional help, then you can work with a therapist. These professionals havee experience working with individuals with narcissistic partners can help them process their emotions and develop coping strategies. They are best at recognising with techniques that address personality disorders that narcissists may have and how to address them.
They may also suggest you to seek legal advice from a family lawyer if legal matters are at stake because of your ex’s narcissistic behavior.
2. Practise Self-Care
Self-care is also important when divorcing a narcissist. A partner who wants to divorce his/her narcissistic partner can have a challenging time proceeding with a divorce. It may take a toll on a person’s emotional and physical well-being since narcissistic partners take so much from them.
Self-care helps them reclaim themselves especially if they:
- Take long breaks from their day-to-day activties.
- Meditate and exercise.
- Prioritise physical and mental health. Some victims may want to get checked for a mental illness in case they developed traumatic responses due to a narcissistic spouse. Therapy and medication are options to recover from mental illnesess.
- Setting boundaries after a post-divorce relationship may it be from romantic or non-romantic relationships.
- Boosting self-esteem by indulging in one’s hobbies and talents.
- Do things alone to reflect and appreciate the things around them.
3. Protect Children and Assets
It’s also important to protect children and assets when divorcing a narcissist. Narcissists may also tend to manipulate their children into hating the other parent. This way, they may win custody over the children or at least have the upper hand on parenting arrangements. So, spouses must talk to their children who may have been manipulated by their narcissistic parent.
Narcissists may also try their best to manipulate their partners into giving them major assets such as cars and inheritance. They can produce fake documents that they have paid more or have total claim certain properties or assets.
Read: Fathers Who Alienate Mothers from Children | JB Solicitors
4. Keep Detailed Records
It’s important to keep detailed records when divorcing a narcissist. Such records may include bank statements, receipts, and evidence of abuse. Partners may also want to investigate their partner’s past relationships to see if they already had narcissistic behaviours before meeting them. These records can help coutner any abusive or manipulative tactics a narcissist will show in court proceedings.
Tips on How To Set Boundaries
Of course, a person wants to protect themselves and set boundaries after surviving narcissistic abuse. However, you can still set boundaries while you are still in a narcissistic relationship. The first step to setting boundaries is to recognise narcissistic traits. We have highlighted some of the traits and statements they may display in relationships in this article.
Once you have a clear idea of your narcissistic partner’s patterns, you can craft a plan for divorcing a narcissist. Let’s use an example of rebuttals you can use if your partner makes narcissistic statements and dismissive statements.
| Narcissistic Statements | Possible Rebuttals |
| “You’re just being too sensitive and overreacting.” | “No, I’m not. I am simply addressing my feelings, and I hope you listen to my opinions and feelings too.” The statement above sets a boundary for yourself that helps you dismiss their statement and ask them to listen to your feelings on the matter at hand. “I don’t think so. You said something that hurt me, and you need to acknowledge that. If you continue to dismiss my feelings, I will leave this room immediately.” The statement above uses a more straightforward approach in using a consequence if they are using manipulative tactics. |
| “I know what’s best for you. You should just listen to me.” | “If you want us to work, then can we please address our problems properly without dismissing my emotions and feelings?” The statement above offers a compromise while addressing the narcissistic partner’s abuse. This may prompt the narcissistic partner to recognise their behaviour and change for the better. “Yes, I want a divorce, because you keep dismissing what I want to say, and I’m not happy in this relationship anymore.” On the other hand, this statement puts the relationship at a point of no return. The partner has recognised their partner’s abusive behaviour and sees that the only solution is to divorce. Though this kind of statement requires a lot of courage to deliver. |
| “Really? A divorce? I still see us working. It’s like you’re the only one who doesn’t want to work out this relationship with me.” | “No, I’m not. I am simply addressing my feelings and I hope you listen to my opinions and feelings too.” The statement above sets a boundary for yourself that helps you dismiss their statement and ask them to listen to your feelings on the matter at hand. “I don’t think so. You said something that hurt me, and you need to acknowledge that. If you continue to dismiss my feelings, I will leave this room immediately.” The statement above uses a more straightforward approach in using a consequence if they are using manipulative tactics. |
Disclaimer: These rebuttals are just recommendations in made-up scenarios. We highly advise partners to stay calm and assess their situation or seek help from psychological abuse and domestic violence hotlines like 18000RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or text 0458 737 732 or seek help from a family lawyer.
Hire a Divorce Lawyer in Our Firm
As mentioned, family lawyers are one of the best professionals who can help partners divorcing a narcissist. A family lawyer can deal with divorce procedures with narcissistic partners regardless of the difficulty of the case. JB Solicitors has a team of experienced lawyers who can deal with various family law matters such as:
- Property settlement
- Parenting arrangements
- Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders (ADVOs)
- Binding Financial Agreements
Contact a divorce attorney today if you need help divorcing a narcissist.
